Thursday, December 30, 2010

Marriage isn't about Feelings

I was going to post a recipe today but my test run turned out just plain awful.  No matter how much the morning show hosts smile on TV when they try black bean brownies don't believe them, they're horrible!

I'm so grateful for the godly counsel I received before going into marriage.  Sure there have been some surprises, no one ever told me for example that the way my husband loads the dishwasher would make me want to pull my hair out! (praise God he's willing to load it, so I've learned not to complain)  I was however aware going in to marriage that feelings change over time and was advised, by many, never to rely on feelings because they are not the basis of a good marriage.

It deeply saddens me to read pieces like this New York Times article. A celebration of 2 individuals who decided to rely on their feelings rather than their vows.  In case you haven't heard the story about the Riddell and Partilla wedding announcement, they openly admitted they  fell in love with each other while married to other people. Rather than being shamed by their affair they openly celebrate the "uncontrollable feelings"  that ruined 2 marriages.

Jeremiah 7:19 comes to mind on this subject:

" The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I truly wish these two families the best, I hope that all parties can learn to forgive one another and the children do not have to suffer through another divorce.  However all the pain involved could have been avoided if the couple would have chosen to celebrate their former marriages rather than the "feelings" they had for each other.  Unfortunately if they haven't learned their lesson nothing will stop their feelings from getting in the way again in this marriage.

What's incredibly sad is that so many people of my generation have bought into the notion that we each have one soul-mate out there waiting for us.  The moment we're married and our "feelings" begin to change it's easy to panic and say, "Oh my gosh! I've missed my soul-mate! This wasn't the right person for me!" Leading one to choose the path of divorce.  Sadly this happens all too often.  Our daily choices make a marriage not our feelings.

For the record, my marriage at the moment is perfectly happy.  The only thing that brought this article to mind was reading this blog post.  I was so impressed with what Matt Kaufman wrote that I just had to give my 2 cents on the matter.



  1. following you back from

    I totally agree! Marriage should be for the long haul- not until things get rough. Sadly though it depends on both parties to be willing to continue to give it their all, forgive, and make the best of things. Sometimes it's hard when one party has to take on the bulk of the work in the relationship- it can be exhausting, but possible.
    Personally I think it all comes down to selfishness. There is no room for selfishness in a marriage. Each needs to think of the others needs before their own, and when that's done you can have a good balance of each having their needs met.

  2. Great post! I read this in an email and just had to pop over to your blog to let you know how much I appreciate and agree . . .

  3. I love this...I'm a newlywed (I guess I can call 4 years new?) and always love reading about the sanctity of marriage. So quickly people "give up" or don't understand the vow they take to begin with. Love this post! Happy thursday!

  4. Well said, Ivy. Anything worth having takes work and lots of loving care. In this throw-away society, we have to learn to appreciate what we have rather than want what we don't have. I did a post about gratitude on Wednesday that melds with what you're saying here. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Following you back from

  6. Thanks for stopping by, and may your marriage continue to be a happy one!

  7. I so agree with you that it is not about feelings. The love that it takes to have a long term relationship is a decision.

    We just celebrated our 29th anniversary and while not everyday of those 29 years was filled with joy or found me feeling head over heels for my husband I would not change a thing.

    And I am glad that the two of us chose to honor our vows because now that the kids are gone and it is just the two of us we are enjoying the happily ever after!!

  8. Thanks for the follow. I am following on both of your blogs. Have a wonderful day!

  9. Very well said, and I totally agree with u. My hubby and I both agree that we can work thru anything together, and not to divorce. I feel he is my soul mate, even though sometimes it seems like we are more BFF's than married. We'll get thru those days, too.

    Im a new GFC follower from FFF. Would love the follow back at

    Happy New Year!!

  10. Visiting from Come Have a Peace :)

    Had to laugh at your bean brownies were on my list for this week and have now been crossed OFF of it. Thanks for the warning!

    Thanks, too, for touching on a very important issue in marriage today. Love is so much more than an emotion; it is a choice.

  11. I'm in a struggling marriage. Thanks for the encouragement. When times are tough I need to remember not to rely on my feelings. God is bigger than my feelings, right?

  12. Black bean brownies just do not sound right. :)

    I'm so glad you shared this on the first Marriage Monday of 2011. This is such a common trap in our world today, and I think as we hear more and more reports like the article you shared, we fall in thinking we always have to have the right "feelings." God blesses obedience, and so much of a sweet marriage is about obedience. I appreciate you posting on this important truth.

    Blessings on your 2011,


Please be kind when commenting, I don't mind differing views but all mean spirited and hateful comments get the ax!